Man In The Family
I attended the “Never Let You Go” Seminar on the 14th of May. The workshop I attended was “Man in the Family”, a discussion on fatherhood and its link to marriage conducted by Mr Peter Quek. He explored the value and influence of a father on the family unit, and expounded on marriage in Singapore.
The topics we touched on were relevant to everyone – male or female, child or parent. It is the universal and perennial quality of the human family unit that makes it a contemporary issue. We are (or will be) all sons, daughters, mothers and fathers in some way. He spoke on marriage from a woman’s perspective: would you want this man to be the father of your children? This question had never occurred to me; I imagined the role of a parent to be separate from the role of a husband. They are inexorably intertwined; consider a man not merely as a life partner, but as a caretaker of children.
From the perspective of children, we learned to appreciate the lasting impact and influence of our fathers. In contemporary Singaporean society (traditionally, actually), it is often that the mother takes a more active role in the lives of her children. Singaporean fathers tend to be more passive, only getting involved when absolutely necessary. It is only in recent years that Singaporean fathers are beginning to become noticeably more involved in the lives of their children. On trains and buses, I see more fathers out with their young children, a departure from the usual sight of mothers as the accompanying parent.
My fervent support of this growing phenomenon stems from my familiarity with an absent father– his work saw him constantly jetting off to other countries, his absence spanning anytime from 2 weeks to 2 months. I was more of a “daddy’s girl”; whenever he returned, I always made it a point to spend time with him. I can’t say he invested the same amount of time and effort then. There was actually a point in time where he was unaware that I was already attending secondary school.
It’s a funny thing, when children grow up. It is as if a rosy veil has fallen from their eyes – they see everything in its unspectacular glory. I grew up, and realised that my relationship with my father was almost completely built on my effort. It was perhaps then, that my father realised this and began making the effort to become more involved. But building a relationship with a teenager is not as easy as with a young child. Singaporean fathers, don’t procrastinate – start now.
So why, exactly, are involved fathers so important? Surely a mother’s nurturing love is enough, all encompassing as it is often viewed to be. Studies and related research reflect otherwise – children with involved fathers have greater self-esteem, and better emotional and mental health. Fathers also traditionally play the parts of “alpha” male and disciplinarian, roles that I feel give a family unit structure through the establishment of a hierarchy. Society is built on hierarchy and humans are hard-wired to find their place, relative to others, in a social system. A family unit is therefore a sort of microcosm of society. Children learn how to interact within and find their place in a larger social system, by first practicing within the family. I also believe that we were given a pair of parents for good reason – balance. And this equilibrium is achieved when fathers are involved; they are often the variable in the family equation, mothers being the constant.
On the related subject of marriage (which was also brought up during the talk), choosing your spouse is akin to selecting the father of your children, as I mentioned in an earlier paragraph. Consider the philosophy and values of your potential spouse, not just for yourself, but also for your children. Being able to maintain a strong marriage is important; not only does it benefit you and your spouse, but it also provides your children with a harmonious and positive environment to grow up in. My personal experience supports this fact; I have observed several friends whose parents clearly have strong marriages. Their families tend to be extremely close-knit, and the children are often emotionally mature and capable of great empathy.
Overall, I felt that the workshop was extremely apt for a seminar that explored the dynamics of individuals, couples, and families. I shall end off with the somewhat reluctant admission that “Man in the Family” hit rather close to home; it managed to unearth my long-buried “daddy’s girl”, along with the realisation that I have unfinished business – so to speak – with my dad.
